Dear Ralfee,

My daughter (born October 15, 1960, 5am, Paris, France) is married to a man who is very unkind to me. She and her husband are quick to ask me for financial help or to baby-sit their children, but are otherwise very cold and uncaring. I love my daughter and my grandchildren. I don't want to alienate myself from their family by criticizing my son-in-law. What can I do?

Wounded Mom (born March 15, 1933, 8:05pm GMT) Toulon, France.

Dear Wounded Mom,

I wish I had a simple answer to your question. The relationship between a mother and her daughter is seldom easy and always complex. Indeed, a detailed comparison between your chart and your daughter's reveals many shared themes and issues.

One method of approaching your dilemma is to look at the placement of your Moons. The Moon rules how we experience our feelings--not "what" we feel but "how" we feel. The Moon tells the story of the mother, from our birth mother to the Divine Mother. Among its many roles, the Moon is the Maternal Principle.

Your Moon in Scorpio squares your daughter's Moon in Leo. Scorpio  Moons are intense, passionate and deep. Ruling the great mysteries of life--sex, death, the process of transformation, and other people's values--Scorpio is where we meet the edges of personal power and grapple with what we cannot control. Wrestling with these issues ultimately teaches us to trust. But arriving at true trust takes lots of hard personal work. A Scorpio Moon must examine their motives and be willing to release the need to manipulate and coerce.

Your Scorpio Moon trines your Pluto in Cancer. Pluto rules Scorpio and shares Scorpio's themes. So your Moon Pluto trine amplifies the themes of power, control and trust. What's more, the Sign of Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and likewise shares the themes of mothering. Being a mom is very important to you. You're passionate about your children and care a great deal about their well being. That very same concern could cause you to be controlling.

Your daughter's Moon is in Leo. She, too, is learning about trust but from a different angle. Leo is all about taking risks. Leo leaps into life, and its willingness to embrace life's uncertainties builds the courage to be. Like a Scorpio Moon, a Leo Moon is also passionate. But this is a fiery passion aimed at self-expression. A Leo Moon is learning to trust itself. When a Leo Moon feels unappreciated, the shadows of false bravado or self-doubt color emotional responses. When those negative patterns set in, a Leo Moon becomes shrill or collapses in shut down.

Your daughter's Leo Moon is conjunct Uranus. Uranus embodies the principle of freedom. Together, the Moon and Uranus generate the need to be emotionally independent. Your daughter can't be under anyone's thumb. She wants and needs to stand on her own. So even asking you for help, particularly financial help, creates inner conflict. Needing the very person you're trying to break away from sets the stage for stress--inside and out. Add to the mix your need to take care of her, and you've got the potential for hurt feelings, misunderstandings, unrealistic demands and resentment--on both sides.

Without knowing your son-in-law's chart, it's impossible for me to see how you two relate. But here's something to consider. He may be consciously or unconsciously voicing your daughter's internal conflict. What's more, he could also be expressing his discomfort with their mutual reliance on you. He could be ashamed about needing your help and his "meanness" might be a cover for his embarrassment.

Step back and try to look at it objectively. A detached point of view will diminish the charge, soothe your hurt feelings, and allow you to gain a deeper understanding of your family's issues. Working through these themes is a process. It will take time. But you have the capacity to intuit what lies beneath the surface behavior. Use your intuition. Be patient. And don't let anything spoil your time with your grandchildren.

Be well,

Ralfee