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Dear
Ralfee:
This
is my situation: I have been dating this man for five years. We talk of
marriage, but he always seems to back down and not follow through. When
will we get married? I've brought up a wedding date of next April 28,
2001. Do you think it will happen? What other months are good for us next
year?
 Please
email me with your response. I'm 31 years old and want to move forward
in my life. I love this man very much, but the thought of him not committing
and me moving on is a little scary since there are no other potential
men. Do you see other potential men in my chart? My birthday is October
16, 1969, 6:01 pm in Cleveland Ohio. My boyfriend’s birthday is April
29, 1969, 7:14 am, also in Cleveland.
Thanks
so much!
C.
Dear
C.:
Before
I even go into an astrological explanation, let's talk girl to girl. If
you've been dating a guy for five years and he always backs down when
it comes to marriage, you've got your answer. He's not willing to commit.
You're not willing to hear his "no." Sure, there are fairy tales
about the woman who waits for her man to come to his senses and realize
he's better off with her than without her. But it sounds like you're hanging
on to this relationship because you're afraid no one else will come along.
That's not a good reason to get married.
Nature
always fills a vacuum. Let go of a bad relationship, do the personal work
it takes to figure out what kept you in it for so long, get out there
in the world with a whole new attitude and find the guy who thinks you're
the best thing since sliced bread. It's neither good for the heart nor
the soul to cling to a relationship that isn't reciprocal. It damages
self-respect. What's more, even if he decides to marry you, you've already
set the tone for what your marriage will look like—you'll be waiting for
him to make all the important decisions. And that's not healthy for either
of you.
Because
you're a Libra, letting go won't be easy. Libra is the sign of marriage.
Relationship is everything to you. What's more, your Libra Sun is conjunct
Jupiter in your Seventh House, the natural home of Libra and the sector
of the chart that holds marriage. This placement amplifies your need to
be partnered. Being in a relationship not only makes you happy, it also
gives you an identity.
But
this longing for connection casts a shadow. A fixation to be partnered
easily translates into codependence and the inability to have a self separate
and distinct from the object of your affection—something you're already
experiencing in your current relationship as you wait for him to decide
your destiny.
Your
boyfriend's chart reveals he has a different attitude toward relationship
than you do. He has Neptune in his Seventh House, which makes him highly
idealistic about marriage. Also a little vague. His Neptune sextiles your
Venus. But, again, as you've experienced, that's not a strong enough contact
to produce a definite decision.
He
does have Mars in Sagittarius in the Seventh House. Mars is active and
energetic. His Mars sextiles your Jupiter, sparking connection between
you. But his Mars isn't directly connected to any other planet in his
chart, and this lack of connection might make it harder for him to feel
certain about his partnership choices.
This
uncertainty is amplified by a concentration of planets—Pluto, Jupiter,
Uranus and the Moon—in his Fifth House. The Fifth House is all about romance
and fun. He needs exciting, stimulating interactions that involve an element
of risk. While marriage is probably the biggest risk we take, other than
being born or having children, to a Moon-Uranus-Jupiter conjunction in
the Fifth House, settling down feels like the end of the game. Dull, stagnant
and boring.
Your
Mercury-Uranus conjunction in Libra sits right on top of his Uranus-Moon
conjunction. How you think and what you say are emotionally stimulating
to him, which is why he talks about marriage. But Uranus is a highly unstable
force, and it seldom cements a relationship.
Both
of you will experience significant Seventh House transits next year. Starting
in December of 2001 and continuing until October 2003, Pluto will sit
on your boyfriend's Mars. This is a tough ride. If you convince him to
get married during this time, you're in for an even rougher ride. At some
point, he's likely to resent you for "pushing" him into marriage.
On
the postive end of this Pluto-Mars transit, he could transform his attitude
toward relationship, and eventually feel like making a commitment. But
that choice won't come easy. Mars is the ego, and when Pluto sits on it,
we wrestle with issues of selfishness and self-centeredness. While Pluto
sits on his Mars, your boyfriend will be thinking about himself, not about
you. That will hurt. Trust me.
Your
Seventh House transits paint a completely different picture. Transiting
Uranus is currently trining your natal Jupiter in the Seventh House. This
is the reason you want to get married. Now. Next year, Uranus will
trine your Sun in the Seventh House. Uranus rules surprises. You could receive
a sudden proposal. You could also experience a startling break-up. As
Uranus catalyzes upset, it often produces unique events. You could get
married in April and divorced in October.
One
more bit: These Uranus transits are just as likely to ignite several new
romantic possibilities. There are plenty of fish in the sea. But you have
to go fishing to catch one.
What's
most important about these Uranus transits is simple: You're being asked
to revolutionize your attitude about relationship. Most of us tend to
think of a relationship as a noun rather than a verb. We think it's something
we own instead of something we participate in. As owners we tend to dictate
terms. We either want the other person to become us, or we're willing
to become the other person in order to maintain the connection.
Learning
to relate to someone we love without losing ourselves in the process is
both the lesson and gift of Libra. A healthy relationship is an active
partnership built and maintained by two distinct individuals. Use this
time to find yourself in your relationship. Then, from that vantage point,
decide what you want.
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