StarIQ.com's Cosmic Correspondent Kim Rogers-Gallagher has been invited to the planets' secret hangout. She's the first astrologer to enter this starry domain, and reports regularly on her findings there.

Cosmic Café 38:
Jupiter Does Battle with Saturn

My cat Zuni came and sat on my lap while the tape rewound. Mercury perched on the edge of my couch, his eyes darting all over the apartment. I could tell he was running a "scan" on it, making mental notes and taking in every detail.

"Caught ya," I said, smiling. "Gathering information?"

He laughed, and crossed his hands. "Yeah, you got me there. It's a non-stop job, girlfriend. I mean, what if one of the Big Guys wants to know something? It's not like I can tell 'em I don't know. Besides, I just got into this Scorpio mood last week, and it comes naturally. I just automatically look for clues, no matter where I am. Comes in handy sometimes, you know?"

I knew that something had changed about Mercury from the moment he walked through my door. When last I'd seen him, he was in charming Libra, wearing a perfectly-matched suit. Now he was all done up in black—Scorpio's signature color.

"Oh, wait, it's ready." He jumped up, hit “play” and sat back down.

"How did you ever get this on tape? Didn't they know you were filming?"

Mercury smiled devilishly and pulled out a tiny camera from his shirt pocket. "Nope. Nobody saw a thing." Of course not. Scorpio planets were masters at operating from behind the scenes. Look at Hillary Clinton, a Sun-sign Scorpio. Even when she wasn't "doing" anything, everyone thought she was.

Mercury went on. "Hey, they don't call me the trickster for nothing. And Jupiter wouldn't have seen me, anyway. Man, was he mad!"

I bit my lip and stroked Zuni nervously, hoping that Jupiter hadn't gotten us both in even bigger trouble than we were apparently already in.

The tape started, but the argument was already in progress. Jupiter was standing across the table from Saturn, who sat quietly in the corner of the Café, arms crossed stubbornly, a rigid look on his face. He was in full military regalia, complete with hat, ribbons and a chest full of medals. Despite the fact that there was something about the quiet power he exuded that appealed to my Venus in Capricorn—maybe the fact that she just loved men in uniforms—I had to admit it. I didn't like this guy. I began to wish again for the Native American grandmother who had been so protective and understanding. Where had she gone?

My thoughts were interrupted by Jupiter's voice. Jupiter's raised voice. Yee-ha. I was very, very glad I had never seen him angry. I don't know if I'd ever even known he could get angry. I began to feel a bit like Guinevere, with a war being fought over little old me.

"This is it, Saturn. I've had it with you and your discipline!" Jupiter pounded the table with his huge fist, sending a glass of wine off onto the floor, where it shattered.

"Oh, do go on," Saturn said. "It's just wonderful to see you at your best."

Ah, yes. Sarcasm. One of Saturn's favorite weapons.

"Don't start with me, pal. I'm not in the mood for your wise-ass comments."

"No, it's obvious that you're not fond of anything wise," said Saturn, never taking his eyes from Jupiter's. "What a shame that you can't control your language—but then, control isn't exactly your strong suit, is it? And all that garbage about you being in charge of higher learning is just that. You're not in charge of anything—not even your temper."

Jupiter's face turned just about purple. "Don't talk to me about my temper, Saturn, or my language. I'm just getting started here, and you don't want to push me too far. And you can say what you want about me—I'm used to it. At least I don't pick on mortals who don't deserve it!"

"That's a matter of opinion, Jupiter. And why does everything I do have to be so terrible? Doesn't anyone ever have to tend to their responsibilities? Don't you think she needed to sit still for a little while? What about her career? What about that damned cat of hers? Who's going to feed him if she doesn't work for a living? Who's going to pay her rent?"

That damned cat of mine? That damned cat? Mercury glanced over at me, raised his eyebrows, and made a comic face.

Jupiter sat down, cocked his head menacingly, and squinted. He pointed a finger straight at Saturn's unsmiling face. "Hey, I told you before. I take care of my girl. She'll never go hungry!"

Saturn raised his hands slightly, and began to clap. Slowly. "Good. Great. Bravo. Let's teach her that she doesn't have to do anything at all, just ask her Uncle for another favor."

"Hey, lookit, Saturn," Jupiter countered. "That's wrong. She's never asked for more than a parking spot. Whatever I give her, I give her!"

"Well, perhaps you should give her some ambition," Saturn said, "instead of spoiling her."

Spoiling me? Well, yes, the trip to Europe had been rather extravagant—but I didn't think I'd taken unfair advantage of Jupiter's generosity. I realized I wasn't stroking Zuni any more—I was rubbing him fast enough to make his fur stand up, electrically charged. He looked up at me, decided this wasn't working for him and hopped down. Mercury laughed, and called him over. "What a show, huh, girlfriend?"

I nodded.

Next Week: Jupiter really loses his temper.