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Dear Ralfee:

Astrology Horoscope: KI find myself pursuing relationships with men who treat me like I'm the best thing in their life at the moment and then become emotionally, even physically, abusive. I have a tendency to attract men who have been neglected and hurt in the past to fill my need to heal and care for others. The men are all genius potential, confident, artistically inclined, from a broken home, have had drug/alcohol problems and run between extremes of obsessive to neglectful. I know how to stand up for myself now, so that isn't a problem. But will I ever break free of this pattern? Is it set in my stars to stay this way? I am mature and strong, but right when I get comfortable and break down my defenses and become intimate with these people, I get hurt. My birthday is December 8, 1981, Royal Oak, Michigan, 1:41 pm. Please give me some advice. It would be greatly appreciated.


Dear K.:

Several configurations in your birth chart indicate that relationship is an ongoing theme. But nothing in your chart indicates you're doomed to a life of abusive relationships. So don't despair. What's more, it's to your credit that you already recognize a difficult pattern and are interested in turning it around. You have a strong head start on finding the tools to create positive and loving partnerships.

Libra on the cusp of your Seventh House of marriage makes you highly idealistic about relationship. Most of us long for romance. For you, romance is essential if your partnerships are going to last. But romance can't only be based on fantasy and projection. It also needs the solid ground of mutual exchange.

Saturn sits in your Seventh House, indicating a strong sense of personal responsibility. You're serious about making your relationship work and you're looking for equal determination from your partner. You want a lasting interaction and you're prepared to work as hard as necessary to insure that your commitment is solid.

Pluto is also in your Seventh House, deepening this intensity. Highly transformative, Pluto draws from unconscious drives and desires. Often Pluto in the Seventh House translates into a desire to become our significant other or an equally strong need to have that person become us.

This Plutonian longing is more than a boundary issue. It's an excursion into the alchemy of relationship. The secret of the Seventh House is learning to relate as an equal to another human being. As I often advise, relationship is a verb, not a noun. It's something we participate in, not something we posses. Relationship is an on-going process.

What's more, many of us fall in love with people because we want to be them. We're hungry for their energetic flavor. Something you might want to consider is how the men in your life represent a quality you're longing for in yourself. Do you want someone to care for you the way you care for them?

Jupiter also sits in your Seventh House, creating the longing for happy interactions. Jupiter's placement signals a desire for spiritual connection and a shared philosophic attitude. Unfortunately, an opposition to your Moon diminishes Jupiter's optimism. Oppositions always create tension. And this stress may express itself as your tendency to overextend in the hope of getting your emotional needs met.

Up to now, you feel your relationship pattern is based on a "need to heal and care for others.” In part, that's true. And this tendency to love wounded birds stems from a natal Neptune-Mars square.

Neptune rules imagination. It's dreamy, idealistic and fuels the urge to merge. Highly sensitive, Neptune keys us into potential, as it simultaneously delights in blurring boundaries.

Mars is the planet through which we individuate and know ourselves as separate and distinct. Mars rules your chart, and its placement in Virgo in the Sixth House creates the tendency to define yourself by being of service to others.

It's a problem of self-definition. You're highly empathetic to the needs of others and derive a sense of self from how well you fulfill those needs. It makes sense that you would fall in love with someone who needs your help. Not that there's anything wrong with helping those we love. But at a deeper level, you may be projecting your needs on to those you love in a misplaced attempt to get your own needs met. And that could be why the relationships fall apart as soon as you reach for greater intimacy.

You may not realize it, but when you drop the I'm-here-for-you-no-matter-what mask, you change your initial agreement. Up until that point, the object of your affection believes all their needs will be met. And there's no mention of how they will meet your needs. So when you get vulnerable and needy, it probably pisses them off. And that anger stems from their issues.

Artistic geniuses with addiction problems almost always spell trouble. Yes, wounded bad boys are attractive. But unfulfilled potential casts a long shadow. And these unresolved emotional issues almost always emerge as dysfunctional behavior after the courtship ends and the dance of true intimacy begins.

Falling in love with someone because we want to help never works. Yes, love heals. But healthy relationships aren't about one person healing another. What's more, most of us project our unconscious needs onto those we love and are disappointed when those needs aren't met.

Balance is the key to healthy, lasting relationships. In the give and take of equal exchange, lots of healing can happen. That's the secret of your Libra Seventh House. Choose your partners for who they are, right here and right now, not who they could be or would be if you only loved them enough. Take all that care and direct it toward yourself, instead, and you'll start to create a new pattern.



Ralfee Finn is the creator of The Aquarium Age, a weekly and monthly astrology column published nationwide and featured at Committed to compassion, knowledge and growth, Ralfee brings the gifts of clarity and common sense to the often confusing waters of metaphysics and new age philosophy.

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For more information about Ralfee Finn, click here.

Other StarIQ articles by Ralfee Finn:

  • Aquarium Age   8/9/2007
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  • Aquarium Age 9-21-01   9/21/2001
  • Aquarium Age 9-13-01   9/13/2001
  • Aquarium Age 9-7-01   9/7/2001
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  • Aquarium Age 8-31-01   8/30/2001
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  • Aquarium Age 8-17-01   8/24/2001
  • Aquarium Age 8-24-01   8/24/2001
  • Aquarium Age 8-17-01   8/17/2001
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