|
Dear
Ralfee:
 I
find myself pursuing relationships with men who treat me like I'm the
best thing in their life at the moment and then become emotionally, even
physically, abusive. I have a tendency to attract men who have
been neglected and hurt in the past to fill my need to heal and care for
others. The men are all genius potential, confident, artistically inclined,
from a broken home, have had drug/alcohol problems and run between extremes
of obsessive to neglectful. I know how to stand up for myself now, so
that isn't a problem. But will I ever break free of this pattern? Is it
set in my stars to stay this way? I am mature and strong, but right when
I get comfortable and break down my defenses and become intimate with
these people, I get hurt. My birthday is December 8, 1981, Royal Oak,
Michigan, 1:41 pm. Please give me some advice. It would be greatly appreciated.
K.
Dear
K.:
Several configurations
in your birth chart indicate that relationship is an ongoing theme. But nothing
in your chart indicates you're doomed to a life of abusive relationships.
So don't despair. What's more, it's to your credit that you already recognize
a difficult pattern and are interested in turning it around. You have
a strong head start on finding the tools to create positive and loving
partnerships.
Libra on
the cusp of your Seventh House of marriage makes you highly idealistic
about relationship. Most of us long for romance. For you, romance is essential
if your partnerships are going to last. But romance can't only be based
on fantasy and projection. It also needs the solid ground of mutual exchange.
Saturn sits
in your Seventh House, indicating a strong sense of personal responsibility.
You're serious about making your relationship work and you're looking
for equal determination from your partner. You want a lasting interaction
and you're prepared to work as hard as necessary to insure that your commitment
is solid.
Pluto is
also in your Seventh House, deepening this intensity. Highly transformative,
Pluto draws from unconscious drives and desires. Often Pluto in the Seventh
House translates into a desire to become our significant other or an equally
strong need to have that person become us.
This Plutonian
longing is more than a boundary issue. It's an excursion into the alchemy
of relationship. The secret of the Seventh House is learning to relate
as an equal to another human being. As I often advise, relationship is
a verb, not a noun. It's something we participate in, not something we
posses. Relationship is an on-going process.
What's more,
many of us fall in love with people because we want to be them. We're
hungry for their energetic flavor. Something you might want to consider
is how the men in your life represent a quality you're longing for in
yourself. Do you want someone to care for you the way you care for them?
Jupiter also
sits in your Seventh House, creating the longing for happy interactions.
Jupiter's placement signals a desire for spiritual connection and a shared
philosophic attitude. Unfortunately, an opposition to your Moon diminishes
Jupiter's optimism. Oppositions always create tension. And this stress
may express itself as your tendency to overextend in the hope of getting
your emotional needs met.
Up to now,
you feel your relationship pattern is based on a "need to heal and
care for others.” In part, that's true. And this tendency to love wounded
birds stems from a natal Neptune-Mars square.
Neptune rules imagination. It's dreamy, idealistic and fuels the urge to merge. Highly
sensitive, Neptune keys us into potential, as it simultaneously delights
in blurring boundaries.
Mars is the
planet through which we individuate and know ourselves as separate and
distinct. Mars rules your chart, and its placement in Virgo in the Sixth
House creates the tendency to define yourself by being of service to others.
It's a problem
of self-definition. You're highly empathetic to the needs of others and
derive a sense of self from how well you fulfill those needs. It makes
sense that you would fall in love with someone who needs your help. Not
that there's anything wrong with helping those we love. But at a deeper
level, you may be projecting your needs on to those you love in a misplaced
attempt to get your own needs met. And that could be why the relationships
fall apart as soon as you reach for greater intimacy.
You may not
realize it, but when you drop the I'm-here-for-you-no-matter-what mask,
you change your initial agreement. Up until that point, the object of
your affection believes all their needs will be met. And there's no mention
of how they will meet your needs. So when you get vulnerable and needy,
it probably pisses them off. And that anger stems from their issues.
Artistic
geniuses with addiction problems almost always spell trouble. Yes, wounded
bad boys are attractive. But unfulfilled potential casts a long shadow.
And these unresolved emotional issues almost always emerge as dysfunctional
behavior after the courtship ends and the dance of true intimacy begins.
Falling in
love with someone because we want to help never works. Yes, love heals.
But healthy relationships aren't about one person healing another. What's
more, most of us project our unconscious needs onto those we love and
are disappointed when those needs aren't met.
Balance is
the key to healthy, lasting relationships. In the give and take of equal
exchange, lots of healing can happen. That's the secret of your Libra
Seventh House. Choose your partners for who they are, right here and right
now, not who they could be or would be if you only loved them enough.
Take all that care and direct it toward yourself, instead, and you'll
start to create a new pattern.
|
