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When we meet
a new lover, there is that joyous moment of relating to the person in
the present, with our most creative energy. Sex is hot, and we notice
every detail of who they are and what they do. We feel blessed to have
met our match, the attractive force is powerful and curiosity rules the
day. How, then, does it work out that in a short time, we can end up relating
to this person from old patterns, often as a parent or child, or some
combination of both? How does a daring romance turn into a sink of security
issues?
Early in
an experience of sexual attraction, we embody Mars and Venus relating
to one another. Mars is associated with the sign Aries and the First House,
which embody self-awareness, fiery desire and clear initiative. Venus
is associated with the sign Libra and the Seventh House, which are sensitive,
receptive, responsive and endowed with gifts and beauty, which Mars clearly
perceives (and desires).
This works
as long as we can maintain the energy of desire and fulfillment, and keep
the awareness of an equal exchange. As time goes on, the force of the
Venus-Mars polarity often wears off because more complicated needs come
to the surface. The relationship goes beyond sex and romance as we really
get to know one another. When we enter a relationship, we bring all our
needs and our unfinished business of the past with us. We bring our lacks
as well as our assets; we bring our wounds as well as our strengths.
Relationship
Shifts
As these
surface, we may find ourselves relating to the other along the Fourth
House/Tenth House axis, associated with Cancer and Capricorn, which are
in turn linked to the Moon and Saturn. We have moved from a horizontal
axis to a vertical one, where authority replaces equality. When a relationship
reverts to a continuing discussion of needs, limitations, insecurities,
fears and unmet desires, we can be sure we’re relating to our partner
in a Moon-Saturn arrangement, usually with one person playing out the
"weaker" and the other the "stronger."
The Fourth/Tenth
axis is the range in the chart where we first look for information about
family conditions and the parents. Most astrologers check both houses
for information about both parents. Either parent can play out the qualities
of the Moon (nurturing, traditionally associated with the mother) or Saturn (authority and limitations, traditionally associated with the father), and either partner in a relationship can appear
in life as father or mother, parent or child.
The Fourth
House is like the inner core from which we relate to another, where we
hold our insecurities and our emotional reality. It is where we relate
to the world as the child we once were, or as the mature self-parent we
have become.
When somebody
"really gets to know us," we will start revealing the contents
and needs of this house, which we possessed long before the current relationship
started. Saturn and the Moon both relate to old material, or what some
mystics call "karma."
What
Can We Do?
If your relationship
is going round and round, it’s time to wake up and check in with that
old material, what in current parlance we call "issues." We
might have not fully revealed all our fears or our needs. We might not
feel like our gifts are being received by the other. We might be emotionally
wounded and hiding that fact, and our partner unconsciously (or consciously)
provokes our fear rather than coddles us. Or, we might not feel so safe
standing in our sexual desire, which can lead to a sense of powerlessness.
Rather than
blaming ourselves and others for being parental, we can have compassion
here, because it turns out that all our earliest relationships were with
our parents; this is what we learned first, and what we mimic. We originally
entered life as an infant relating to others with all our needs, and in
situations in which our parents had all the power. This is extremely potent
and it’s a miracle anyone gets beyond it.
In reality,
we all have needs, and we all have some capacity to fulfill the needs
of others. If you’re in a Moon-Saturn pattern, then it’s a good idea to
get those needs and nurturing capabilities out on the table, since both
the Moon and Saturn have a tendency to lapse into unconsciousness and
be multi-layered.
The Tenth
House is where we go beyond ourselves and beyond our relationships and
make our mark on the world. But because this house is Saturn-ruled, we
may find that we are facing frustrating limitations in these areas of
our life, which will come home to roost in our relationships. So it’s
best to be clear about what we need from the world-at-large that our partner
cannot provide—and not blame them for our failures, our limitations or
for the facts of the cruel world.
But then
we come back to Venus and Mars. These two planets are pictures of people
who know what they want and are ready to go at life with gusto. They are
about the present moment, not the accumulated past (Fourth House) or the
future we’re working toward (Tenth House).
Venus and
Mars relate to one another on level ground (the axis of the horizon or
First/Seventh) rather than on the vertical axis (the Fourth/Tenth), and
if we look at our relationships, we can see these arrangements and make
adjustments. Venus and Mars can be fearless about sex, not afraid to be
different from one another, and undaunted by their own desires. Learning
to be this way takes practice, self-awareness and reminding ourselves
continuously that the person we are with is not our father, mother or
child, but is in fact our lover.
Notes
For information
on specific relationship issues in your natal chart, check out
John Townley’s AstroText
Love.
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